23 August 2005

What balance?

Life is definitely unfair. Just when you want something most, it does not come at all. And when you have finally decided not to pursue it, it returns to haunt you. Maybe not haunt you, but it makes you wonder if you actually deserved it.

I got to know my previous term's results and it was bad news. I did not hit the minimum required to continue receiving my scholarship. It is to my understanding that they (the college) are recalling it back and I will have to pay for studying now. All of these happened during a holiday I wanted to enjoy so much. Sadly, I did not enjoy too much of the time I had and now I am actually looking forward for the new term to term start. So I would have a chance to proof myself that I can do it.

Yup... but classes only start next week. And one week seems like a pretty long wait all of a sudden. *chuckles*, at least that leaves me with enough time to seek strength from God for the new term. I worry that I would fall back into the lazy self again, and I really hated it when that happened. Solution, find a good study partner or a torturer that would torment and remind me what I would be if I do not perform. :)

Ah, here is another case. It has been a long time since I have decided to stop having crushes on this particular girl I barely know. At the very beginning, I was too shy to talk to her. We only met a couple of times and greeted each other.

A good friend of mine told me to take courage and strike a conversation with her. Indeed, as chance allowed it, we talked about the weather and how each other were going home. And she said (paraphrased): "Oh, today my boyfriend is fetching me at 6." That was the beginning of a turning point. To put it crudely, she is off boundaries, a no-no.

Ironically, we met each other more often and at least we are having a friendship that is growing (I think) slowly.

A third example: Working in the event's department for is such a hastle and something very new to me. I would admit I was slacking in many aspect of my job and complained a lot. However, at least I was able to make decisions (I think, again) for the way things should go in my area. I got a friend to help me in the department and he has been the most helpful of all person.

After awhile, I got some wake up call not to neglect my responsibilities. I finally decided to actually do my job. However, I soon realised that my boss would rather inform my friend on going ons and updates rather than approach me. Decisions are made without my knowledge.

I had the biggest of mood swings the past few days and nights. One good example: Chatting online. I was happy talking to a friend in one chat window, and being serious and dissapointed at the next chat window. And the mood changed back and forth every time the chat window changed. Hmmm... man, I was as though I had the worst PMS. Now I know how it feels like to be left out. *sigh

What do you learn from all of these? It could be something about me, or human nature, or even as Christians who has a relationship with God. God is always calling and reaching out to us all the with such tender love and we turn away to love something else instead. Yet, we only seek Him when we need help from Him. Maybe what I felt is a small comparison of what He always feel. Pursuing vainly only to have it when we finally give up? And getting it not the way one expects it to be?

I do not know if people could see the relationship between this conclusion and the cases mentioned above. But that is how my brain is uniquely wired (it could mean either way). :)

p.s. Thanks Yew and Lor for the advise over chicken rice. Made me realised some important things. I would do my best in serving while being in the dept ;)

ADD-ON (0024hour):
I just chat with my friend not too long ago about event we were involved. And she told me the reason why helped although it wasn't her responsibility (and department) was because I was actually blur. Many people seemed to agree on that fact that I work too slowly and always seemed confused. However, no one dared to tell me.

For whatever reason why no one told me, I do not know. But I am greatful to have a friend who was willing to speak the truth although there was a chance it could hurt my feelings. The fact that no one actually tells me hurts me more than what state I am in. *sigh... Thanks Chea :)

Another person who encouraged me in the most unusual way. What blessings.

21 August 2005

What does it say?

Some pictures taken in the past few weeks when the camera was never removed from my bag.

More than usual? My burger is related to a WC?

My other breakfast date.

Yup, sure brings back memories of an old game

How often do you see a dome which has gone for extreme diet?

Beautiful weather. Especially after the haze.

Gear with a sinking feeling..

Hanging clothes at the side of the field. A scene that is rare even at the place this was taken.

You like the pictures? You can ask it from me. :)

15 August 2005

shower of blessings!

Sunday is a beautiful day. Sermon was about Jesus saying: I'll be back... (say it with a manly, German accent for more effect). It was a great reminder about the question on whether we will be ready if for what ever reason Jesus said He is coming tomorrow. Of course, do not be fooled by the question, it is bound to happen.

When Eld. Be gave an alter call, I was one of the first one to be up there! In a way I am proud because I would usually wait for 23 people to go up first before seeing whether I am I want to go up or not.

I was glad mostly because I wanted God to help me. And the fact is only He can help me. I guess I always make the mistake of relying so much on myself more than on Him. Eld. Be quickly prayed over me, and through Char, He told me "Perfect love knows no fear".

Followed on was during hang-out time, A. Flor decided to get me a Christmas@Park T-shirt. Sounds pretty strange, because Christmas is in another 4 more months away. That, did not bother me because I am getting a new T-shirt!!

So, brilliant is a word to describe today. Blessed by God is the phrase to describe what I am feeling now. Thanks :)

p.s. Welcome to my blog! My visitor count has gone up to 2!! TWO!! dua! tu! ngo leh! liong gor!.. buahahha...
p.p.s. Oh, another blessing is, the Wee sis' leftover egg sandwiches! yumm....


Now, it is my turn to talk about the haze!! Yes, yes, I have finally comformed to the norm when all the other blogs in this country have been talking about it. Yes, it is unhealthy for the body. No, I did not get a face mask. No, I was not safe even at home as it looked pretty bad inside the house too. I would have escaped by hopping into the LRT and sit there with a nice novel to read while it runs its round (I have a plan for not paying a sum for traveling so far and so long), but that would mean waiting for the bus to come, and waiting means outside in this hostile environment!

One thing the haze reminds me off is the computer games with bad graphic cards. I used to play Need For Speed III on a lousy computer system. And a lousy computer system do not reproduce a scenery fast enough. So what you will see is when you are driving along, further down the road you will have things popping up towards you. And beyond that, it is shrouded with a blur "mist". Yes, it is like driving in the haze.

But the most amazing thing happened on thursday night when youth leaders (from church) met up for our weekly meeting. At the end of the meeting, our pastor prayed for haze to be lifted up, saying that it was scriptural. And it did work :) !!! When we left the meeting later, the sky was definitely clearer. And the next day, it was as though the haze was gone for good!

Yes, poor penang folks.

But one thing for sure, we believed in the power of God. And He made it happened. What blessings!

Now, pray for the people in the north who are suffering from the haze. So that the haze will stop coming back and paster anyone at all. Amen!

08 August 2005


I assume that I am suffering from a little bit from mild depression. I supposed I screwed up a lot of things.
  • There are two parking fines I am dealing with one of them threatening a court case if I don't pay up soon
  • there is a streamyx bill totalling more than RM 900 under my name because I did not cancel the account almost a year ago when it was giving me so much trouble.
  • my scholarship is at threat if I do not get at least 2.85 an above this term because I did not meet the mark required last term
  • there are a lot of things not settled for my part in an event I am involved with, and my "boss" is chasing me.
Hmmm, now that I have listed all of it down, I can see how much trouble I am in. Lately I have been praying more often than usual. I do not know why, but it could be because of 40 days fast. I tried very hard to fast. First from food, then from meat, and then from a computer game and a few days ago, pringles.

The fact that I could not stick to one kind of fasting makes me feel bad too. Now that I am on holiday, I am rather demotivated. What more when I go back to college with so much trouble in hand (in two weeks time).

There are happy times, short happy times. Especially when I am praising God. But mostly I am feeling a little crappy because of all the mess I made. All the other time I spend praying, asking God to give me strenght and not bless me specifically. And yet I have little faith. I fear that I would be dissapointed. What am I to do?

I want to tell someone about all my troubles and yet I can't find a suitable "victim". Some victims know some part of the story. The rest are all hidden within my heart, in which only God knows.

God is not a victim, not at all... eheheh... He has been faithful and forgiving and helpful. But, I felt like I have dissapointed Him so many times. At the moment, I just need someone who walk with me through all my problems. Some one I could be accountable to. Some one who would minister to me. Some one to hold me in the hand and lead me.

Hmmm... God... help... please...