08 August 2005

Depression

I assume that I am suffering from a little bit from mild depression. I supposed I screwed up a lot of things.
  • There are two parking fines I am dealing with one of them threatening a court case if I don't pay up soon
  • there is a streamyx bill totalling more than RM 900 under my name because I did not cancel the account almost a year ago when it was giving me so much trouble.
  • my scholarship is at threat if I do not get at least 2.85 an above this term because I did not meet the mark required last term
  • there are a lot of things not settled for my part in an event I am involved with, and my "boss" is chasing me.
Hmmm, now that I have listed all of it down, I can see how much trouble I am in. Lately I have been praying more often than usual. I do not know why, but it could be because of 40 days fast. I tried very hard to fast. First from food, then from meat, and then from a computer game and a few days ago, pringles.

The fact that I could not stick to one kind of fasting makes me feel bad too. Now that I am on holiday, I am rather demotivated. What more when I go back to college with so much trouble in hand (in two weeks time).

There are happy times, short happy times. Especially when I am praising God. But mostly I am feeling a little crappy because of all the mess I made. All the other time I spend praying, asking God to give me strenght and not bless me specifically. And yet I have little faith. I fear that I would be dissapointed. What am I to do?

I want to tell someone about all my troubles and yet I can't find a suitable "victim". Some victims know some part of the story. The rest are all hidden within my heart, in which only God knows.

God is not a victim, not at all... eheheh... He has been faithful and forgiving and helpful. But, I felt like I have dissapointed Him so many times. At the moment, I just need someone who walk with me through all my problems. Some one I could be accountable to. Some one who would minister to me. Some one to hold me in the hand and lead me.

Hmmm... God... help... please...

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey... I didn't know u were under THAT kinda stress too... Sounds extremely bad. I'll try and remember to keep u in my prayers.

*hugs*

Dissociated Mind said...

I think the one I would most likely want to kick ur butt for would be the streamyx bill because I specifically bugged you about it back then to call them and cancel it. That amount is serious ^@#$%. *sigh* The others sound quite bad too... but like I said, I'll pray for u. You hang in there! God always delivers..

Dissociated Mind said...

Btw, if u need help paying for the bill first, just let me know.

Anonymous said...

Hey sorry to hear all that stress, you sure are strong in public.. hehe.. is there anything I can do to help?

By the way, I really like your blog and your photography skills are super! ;)

xiong said...

hmm, thanks. well, it is my fault i admit. but I thought that pa was handling it ;P

I thought. hahahha..

thanks for offering to help both of you. by God's grace :)