What balance?

Life is definitely unfair. Just when you want something most, it does not come at all. And when you have finally decided not to pursue it, it returns to haunt you. Maybe not haunt you, but it makes you wonder if you actually deserved it.

I got to know my previous term's results and it was bad news. I did not hit the minimum required to continue receiving my scholarship. It is to my understanding that they (the college) are recalling it back and I will have to pay for studying now. All of these happened during a holiday I wanted to enjoy so much. Sadly, I did not enjoy too much of the time I had and now I am actually looking forward for the new term to term start. So I would have a chance to proof myself that I can do it.

Yup... but classes only start next week. And one week seems like a pretty long wait all of a sudden. *chuckles*, at least that leaves me with enough time to seek strength from God for the new term. I worry that I would fall back into the lazy self again, and I really hated it when that happened. Solution, find a good study partner or a torturer that would torment and remind me what I would be if I do not perform. :)

Ah, here is another case. It has been a long time since I have decided to stop having crushes on this particular girl I barely know. At the very beginning, I was too shy to talk to her. We only met a couple of times and greeted each other.

A good friend of mine told me to take courage and strike a conversation with her. Indeed, as chance allowed it, we talked about the weather and how each other were going home. And she said (paraphrased): "Oh, today my boyfriend is fetching me at 6." That was the beginning of a turning point. To put it crudely, she is off boundaries, a no-no.

Ironically, we met each other more often and at least we are having a friendship that is growing (I think) slowly.

A third example: Working in the event's department for is such a hastle and something very new to me. I would admit I was slacking in many aspect of my job and complained a lot. However, at least I was able to make decisions (I think, again) for the way things should go in my area. I got a friend to help me in the department and he has been the most helpful of all person.

After awhile, I got some wake up call not to neglect my responsibilities. I finally decided to actually do my job. However, I soon realised that my boss would rather inform my friend on going ons and updates rather than approach me. Decisions are made without my knowledge.

I had the biggest of mood swings the past few days and nights. One good example: Chatting online. I was happy talking to a friend in one chat window, and being serious and dissapointed at the next chat window. And the mood changed back and forth every time the chat window changed. Hmmm... man, I was as though I had the worst PMS. Now I know how it feels like to be left out. *sigh

What do you learn from all of these? It could be something about me, or human nature, or even as Christians who has a relationship with God. God is always calling and reaching out to us all the with such tender love and we turn away to love something else instead. Yet, we only seek Him when we need help from Him. Maybe what I felt is a small comparison of what He always feel. Pursuing vainly only to have it when we finally give up? And getting it not the way one expects it to be?

I do not know if people could see the relationship between this conclusion and the cases mentioned above. But that is how my brain is uniquely wired (it could mean either way). :)

p.s. Thanks Yew and Lor for the advise over chicken rice. Made me realised some important things. I would do my best in serving while being in the dept ;)

ADD-ON (0024hour):
I just chat with my friend not too long ago about event we were involved. And she told me the reason why helped although it wasn't her responsibility (and department) was because I was actually blur. Many people seemed to agree on that fact that I work too slowly and always seemed confused. However, no one dared to tell me.

For whatever reason why no one told me, I do not know. But I am greatful to have a friend who was willing to speak the truth although there was a chance it could hurt my feelings. The fact that no one actually tells me hurts me more than what state I am in. *sigh... Thanks Chea :)

Another person who encouraged me in the most unusual way. What blessings.